Living a Life of Purpose

Sometimes it's easier to write things down then to speak them out aloud to someone. I am leaning that everything has a purpose, I just need to find my own.

Category: Uncategorized

Time is going forward but I am standing still

Lying in bed at twenty to two in the afternoon.

It’s gloriously sunny outside with not a cloud to be seen. Today is a day that I would like to associate with good memories and happy times, so far all I can do is remember it has been five years since my school prom and keep crying.

I have in the past several years been described as tearful, a big baby, overly sensitive, a drama queen, weird and a liar which I took to heart ad started to believe was true about myself. But I know now that is not the real me and it is my depression and anxiety just starting to outwardly reflect itself.

I find it easy to give some advice to others and to comfort them but can never accept it myself. I almost think I do not deserve the help and I can get better alone.  Because of this I am withdrawing from society and crawling into a very dark hole again and I’ve rejected every rope that’s been gently handed to me by various people and opportunities. What comes next?

After a very stressful year of restarting univeristy, failing my teaching placement due to absence caused by my mental health issues, I started to think there was some hope and things would soon fall into their correct place. I understand now today that nothing has a right place, life is so liquid and whatever plan is mustered up in your head will most likely not be fulfilled to the exact detail or within the same time scale.

I do not believe in a God as I have never really felt a need to explore it much or to try and have a faith. My feelings recently though suggest I feel my life is not in my hands anymore and I am just following the signposts around me. Maybe my depression has come from rejecting a faith??? Too deep to think about right now but just a thought.

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Anyway, I have a job interview tomorrow in a special educational needs secondary school. I feel underprepared and incapable of the role yet I feel I have to attend and go with the flow. I hear back from a mitigating circumstances application to university with regards to my failed teaching placement, and I have my first CBT phone appointment.

I feel like despite having lots going on, in the past five years a lot of progress has been made by those around me and I am still at square one. What does the future hold for me? Who am I? I need an answer!

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Hello again!

It’s been such a long time since I took the time to sit down and do some constructive reflection, I always think but it comes out in one big splurge.

This morning I woke up to a very chilly bright sunny morning in the UK and decided to get up, change my bedsheets, have another de-clutter session in my room and just deleted my Instagram and my Twitter accounts.  I’ve done this so many times before and ended up reactivating them but I actually went through all of my pictures and tweets and thought ‘what a waste of my time, why did I do that?’. There was literally no point except to make others aware of me and my feelings. I hate social networking sites even though I have logged in daily to them for the past nearly eight years or so. 

The next year I hope to be a good one for me as this one has been so rubbish, so I will be starting it with a positive attitude. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I have given myself more than enough time for slip ups and time to adjust! I now need to vent those instant emotions and sly indirect messages to people I can’t stand somewhere different, like on paper!! I plan to write down angry thoughts and any other negative emotions on pieces of scrap paper and using up all of those old notebooks that are half used. Straight after writing the thoughts I can screw up the paper, rip, tear, shred, burn it – anything to get rid of it! Just thinking about it sounds so good. 

I’ve also booked onto a Mindfulness workshop once a week which apparently is a new up and coming craze to help people relax and manage stress using different techniques similar to meditation.

Ahhh…fresh start here I come!

Nothing will bring me down today!

Today is a happy day for me!

It’s been four years now that I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend and what an amazing four years that has been.

So much has changed in our lives and we have each changed so much but we’ve accommodated those changes (it’s not been easy!).

He is my best friend and my lover. The one person I can count on to be there through anything, to love and support me, to cheer me up and to create amazing memories with me.

I love him so much – so here is to many more years together and a healthy happy future! X

Time for me

 

One way I like to relax and spend my time is with a good book – something I haven’t been finding the time to do much recently! 

My nan bought me Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm by Kate Douglas Wiggin many years ago, literally over 10 years now and I haven’t finished it yet! I was too young to read it when I received it and I guess since then I have been distracted by the not so innocent or lady-like reads of (dare I mention it) Fifty Shades of Grey. 

So tonight, after finishing this post I will be getting cosy in bed and reading a chapter or two of this classic! 

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When friends won’t be friends

We all say we know who our true friends are and who are our friends but with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram now a part of my life I seem to have hundreds of ‘friends’ who like my pictures, like my life updates and comment on my wall saying they ‘love’ and ‘miss’ me. Friends who tag me in pictures and like to tag me at certain places with them like at restaurants and shopping centers…I like to do that too but today I realised that I haven’t actually got that many friends (yes it sounds sad, call me a loner blabla).

I do not have many friends but the ones I do have are true gems and are the ones who I haven’t really paid much attention to or might even be the people that I didn’t really WANT to be friends with due to our differences! 

I have spent a lot of time chasing certain people, trying to fit in with them and get involved in what they are doing. I’ve invested my time and money into the activities which aren’t really my first choice always but because I wanted to be with them I did it! Something happened tonight which made me realise that these people aren’t willing to invest in me like I do them. They are full of excuses, they invite me out when it suits them and they never compromise over activities when I am low on money or don’t really enjoy what they are doing. 

I will not change myself for them, it’s actually caused quite a bit of conflict in my head over who I am and who I want to be, but I am glad that tonight I found my answer that I am who I am and I have the right friends around me who I need to pay attention to more and appreciate more.

These are the friends who when I meet up with them there is no awkwardness, we feel comfortable around each other (well I hope they feel the same way around me), we have mutual interests and disagreements but this doesn’t bother us we accommodate and welcome the differences! These friends are the ones who know when I am not okay and make small gestures to help me on my way, the friends who bother to message me, call me and ask if I am okay! 

I hate burning bridges but sometimes it just isn’t right to associate yourself with some people and clearing them from your life would be a great benefit, so instead of clearing my Facebook ‘friends’ list or deactivating and reactivating my Twitter account, I think I will clear out my real ‘friends’ a little and change who I prioritise and value more in my life. 

It might be the wrong decision but it also might be the best decision I make in terms of my happiness! 

And of course there is always that one other half of me I can rely on to always be my BEST friend 🙂 ❤

It’s been a bad year, month, week, day

When I have my ‘down days’ I usually hide it from most people but this year is just by far my worst.

So much has happened I can’t really cope with the stress and pressures of life. Some say ‘you’re growing up’ or ‘I understand’ well how could you? We’re all different and our circumstances are different. I know my life you know yours so let’s be real and honest and not try to be a Mr/Miss/Mrsknowitall.

At this moment I have no idea where I belong, who I belong to, where my life is heading, what I want in life. I don’t feel like I belong and I’m tired of being happy around people and being all positive when it’s not coming from my heart. I feel fake.

I rarely smile now, rarely laugh. I sometimes miss me and sometimes just wish that I wasn’t here!

Everyone has bad days and mine has gone on for too long for too many reasons!

What to do now? Where to go from here? Help me!

😦

A beautiful comforting song!

Didn’t they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you’ve got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don’t you ever let me go.

There’s a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it’s no ones fault, no it’s not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it’s hard to see.
I’ve got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
‘Cause it’s you and me together,
and baby all we’ve got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There’s so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we’ve got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we’ve got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
‘Cause we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don’t you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBCUfbuca-M 

I think I have gone long enough in

I think I have gone long enough in life without being bothered about religion and God and church. I haven’t always been supportive of it and used to argue daily with a close friend about her opinions and her beliefs in God.

She became a ‘proper’ christian when her dad passed away, we were about 14 or 15 at the time. She completely put her faith at the centre of everything she done at school and at home, all she ever spoke about was God and quoted the bible. She criticised people daily about the decisions they were making and told them how they should be doing it. The worst times would be during RE lessons, I loved a good debate in those lessons but with me and her in the room together a healthy debate would soon end up in us not talking for a week or two!! 

A lot of my family are church-goers and strongly believe in God, they are also heavily involved in their church life. So I am familiar with the christian faith in that sense, I have never been put off by it as such or explored it myself properly and openly. I guess it is because my immediate family are completely against it. They hate religion, I remember growing up them laughing at my family and telling me when the war broke out it was because of money and religion. I then got it into my head that religion caused wars and was a really unhealthy thing in the world…which of course I then went back and said this to my friend which didn’t go down too well! 

So for years I decided that it wasn’t for me (with the help of my family). Then I found out my boyfriend (who I was just starting to date at the time) went to church regularly with his family. I couldn’t believe that I was completely unaware of it before he didn’t really seem the ‘type’ to go to church.  Especially compared to my friend! Then I started to notice how much it meant to him and I could see a difference in the way he acted, the things he valued in life, his attitude to life was very different to mine! 

Eventually I started going to church with him and I absolutely loved being there, it’s such a happy and positive place to be and very sociable. I found it comforting to go and liked to hear and see what he was hearing and seeing every Sunday morning! 

I then completed an Alpha course with his sister, which again I loved and enjoyed but I don’t think I took too much from it sadly enough. I learnt more about other people’s opinions and perspectives which I guess is the point of the course and got a free dinner every week (bonus!). I don’t think I was ready to do the course, I still didn’t really WANT to know more or find out more which is why I never really got involved with discussions unless it was a one to one with someone.

I carried on going to church after the Alpha course and I still go sometimes just not committed to every Sunday! It is an interesting place to go and be but I feel like I don’t know enough to believe or have faith in something I have so little understanding about! Crazy!

My parents do not know I go to this church nor do they know that I went on an Alpha course. Most people say it is something to be shared but I am not ready for that and I know how they would mock me so for now it’s my nice little secret for me to enjoy!

I look at my boyfriend and his family and I want to have that passion and that happiness and glow they have around them so I hope one day I can reach that and be the person I feel I really want to be! 

Happy Birthday Audrey Hepburn!

ImageI absolutely love her in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Such a pretty, girly, funny and memorable character who when I was younger I really wanted to be!! There aren’t many iconic actresses like her about anymore who still have class and beauty.

Every action has a consequence

One of my friends has told me quite a sad story. She broke it to me over dinner out and laughed along with it but obviously missed my very serious face!

It is so easy to say you love someone and be carried away into a world of passion and romance, without thinking that you’re actually putting yourself at the risk of a much more important relationship with a new life.

I could never really settle on my opinion of abortion but as I’ve grown older I’ve decided it isn’t something anyone can really be so opinionated on unless you’re Catholic or are in that position yourself or helping a loved one.

I would say now that I would not have one myself. I’m old enough to know better and understand the consequences of things like that! Some people do say they understand and are ‘safe’ when having sex but actually even if you are using protection nothing is 100% safe and accidents do happen!

If you are not ready to have a baby it leads me to the question, why are you having sex?

People need to stop doing it as if it’s a hobby or being careless. It’s so sad to hear of so many abortions from people who just don’t want a baby! I can understand in some circumstances it really is not doable.

But really, they are handed out too easily! People decide too quickly. My friend was actually influenced by her ex who didn’t want the baby and asked her to have an abortion. So she ended that precious life inside her which had a heartbeat and was beginning to grow, for someone else. So sad. She works with children, has a good job, stable friends an family.

I wonder how many people I know have had abortions that I am unaware of?