Time is going forward but I am standing still

Lying in bed at twenty to two in the afternoon.

It’s gloriously sunny outside with not a cloud to be seen. Today is a day that I would like to associate with good memories and happy times, so far all I can do is remember it has been five years since my school prom and keep crying.

I have in the past several years been described as tearful, a big baby, overly sensitive, a drama queen, weird and a liar which I took to heart ad started to believe was true about myself. But I know now that is not the real me and it is my depression and anxiety just starting to outwardly reflect itself.

I find it easy to give some advice to others and to comfort them but can never accept it myself. I almost think I do not deserve the help and I can get better alone. ┬áBecause of this I am withdrawing from society and crawling into a very dark hole again and I’ve rejected every rope that’s been gently handed to me by various people and opportunities. What comes next?

After a very stressful year of restarting univeristy, failing my teaching placement due to absence caused by my mental health issues, I started to think there was some hope and things would soon fall into their correct place. I understand now today that nothing has a right place, life is so liquid and whatever plan is mustered up in your head will most likely not be fulfilled to the exact detail or within the same time scale.

I do not believe in a God as I have never really felt a need to explore it much or to try and have a faith. My feelings recently though suggest I feel my life is not in my hands anymore and I am just following the signposts around me. Maybe my depression has come from rejecting a faith??? Too deep to think about right now but just a thought.

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Anyway, I have a job interview tomorrow in a special educational needs secondary school. I feel underprepared and incapable of the role yet I feel I have to attend and go with the flow. I hear back from a mitigating circumstances application to university with regards to my failed teaching placement, and I have my first CBT phone appointment.

I feel like despite having lots going on, in the past five years a lot of progress has been made by those around me and I am still at square one. What does the future hold for me? Who am I? I need an answer!

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