Living a Life of Purpose

Sometimes it's easier to write things down then to speak them out aloud to someone. I am leaning that everything has a purpose, I just need to find my own.

Month: April, 2013

Every action has a consequence

One of my friends has told me quite a sad story. She broke it to me over dinner out and laughed along with it but obviously missed my very serious face!

It is so easy to say you love someone and be carried away into a world of passion and romance, without thinking that you’re actually putting yourself at the risk of a much more important relationship with a new life.

I could never really settle on my opinion of abortion but as I’ve grown older I’ve decided it isn’t something anyone can really be so opinionated on unless you’re Catholic or are in that position yourself or helping a loved one.

I would say now that I would not have one myself. I’m old enough to know better and understand the consequences of things like that! Some people do say they understand and are ‘safe’ when having sex but actually even if you are using protection nothing is 100% safe and accidents do happen!

If you are not ready to have a baby it leads me to the question, why are you having sex?

People need to stop doing it as if it’s a hobby or being careless. It’s so sad to hear of so many abortions from people who just don’t want a baby! I can understand in some circumstances it really is not doable.

But really, they are handed out too easily! People decide too quickly. My friend was actually influenced by her ex who didn’t want the baby and asked her to have an abortion. So she ended that precious life inside her which had a heartbeat and was beginning to grow, for someone else. So sad. She works with children, has a good job, stable friends an family.

I wonder how many people I know have had abortions that I am unaware of?

You are not alone, speak out!

This is such a hard post to write but I feel happy writing it all out here.

I have never got on really well with my family. There is just four of us as I really feel like the odd one out. I feel like they all hold me back, stop me from being who I really am and want to be and never bring out the best in me.

People say that family is the most important thing you have, well I have a big family and family doesn’t mean just blood related relatives. I feel my family are actually not blood related to me or are distant family relatives.

Us four clash, well them three and me clash! My sister is just a couple of years younger than me but is so different to me. Her opinions, the way she acts, what she finds important to her are just so different to my mindset and hers is very similar to my parents.

When I was growing up I really disliked being around my family. They never let me go out with my friends without hundreds of questions, they disliked my friends and made them feel  unwelcome, they showed me they didn’t trust me a lot of the time and made it very obvious that they favoured my little sister – probably because she never steps out of line and just does whatever they say/ask of her.

Since being really young I remember packing my little mini suitcase with my clothes and my favourite Annie baby doll and a book. I’d yell at my parents that I hated them and I would tell them I was leaving home. Of course at such a young age they mocked me but I can remember being so serious about it. I would tell them I would get on a train and that my nan would meet me and I would live with her!

I was in year 6 or 7 at school, I had an argument with my mum, it was so horrible and she literally overreacted over me not doing something so small. I don’t want to go into too much detail but we lived in a maisonette, so had concrete stairs outside up to our doorway. She threw me out of the house by my hair and I remember running into my back garden and just crying uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to say or do or where to go but I knew I couldn’t stay there anymore. So I ran to my primary school, literally less than a minute around the corned. I buzzed at the office and they knew me (my mum works at that school), they sat me down with a cup of water and tried to calm me down. They called my mum who had no idea I had left the garden. She came in all ‘worried’ and upset and said that I could have gone to her. I felt humiliated and stupid!

She walked me to my dads work down the road and made me tell him what I had done.

The arguments continued and I often went to bed upset. I was a used of MSN chat then and liked to go on whenever I could as most people my age would. I would talk to my aunts husband who would make me laugh and told me that he would always be there for me. He used to explain to me about the world, what my parents thought of me, he used to tell me things they had told him and I believed that I had found one reliable adult who I could go to with any problems I had. We spoke so much and he made me feel ‘special’.

So I had found a nice escape from my not so enjoyable life. My parents have never really had spare cash for pocket money or to help me and my sister out much so I often couldn’t join in with the social activities my friends were all doing like going for lunch, shopping, cinema… I felt like I was growing apart from my friends too. I didn’t want them to know what my relationship was like with my parents as they all seemed to get on really well with theirs. So I rarely invited people over and I made up excuses as to why I couldn’t do things with them. Of course I started to be ignored by them and less involved with what they were planning.

Now I felt like I had no friends and not much of a family, except my uncle. He once offered me some money and said that it could be a bit of an early birthday present or something just as long as I didn’t tell my parents. He asked for my best friends address so he could send the money in an envelope to her and that way my parents would not be intrigued about the letter I would receive in the post.

I checked with my friend if should would mind my uncle sending me some money in the post but to her address and she agreed. So I passed on her address and he later got back to me saying he had posted the money. I waited and waited and waited, so excited that I would have a little bit of money to just go out and enjoy myself with my friends for once. I asked my best friend daily if she had received my letter yet. I started to get worried that my uncle had sent money and it hadn’t reached me so I let him know I still hadn’t got it. He told me that he did send it and that my friend must be lying…so he manipulated me into thinking I couldn’t trust my friend and she had taken my money.  My relationship with her continued but I always kept this nagging doubt that she was lying to me (we are still friends and I know that at that age she never would have been able to have kept something like that from me, although I have never asked her).

My uncle topped up my phone for me sometimes online, I would receive emails saying thank you for topping your phone which I was happy about because again I couldn’t afford phone credit so never could enjoy receiving or sending texts! I also received an iTunes voucher. When my dad found out I was downloading music illegally he removed the software, so my uncle sent me the voucher so I could still get some of my favourite songs at the time.

I really felt ‘looked after’ and ‘loved’.

One summer I think I was aged 12/13? I couldn’t be around my family much more and during the school holidays it’s worse!  So I arranged to go at stay with my nan (my uncle and aunt also lived with her with my baby cousins). I ended up staying with them for the whole 6 weeks of summer holidays. I felt like I was having a good break from my family and I loved the attention I got (I barely saw my nan and grandad as my parents aren’t that close to them).

But that was also the summer that a lot of things changed and looking back now what I thought was my best summer was actually the worst and to this day still effects me. Everything my uncle was telling me online, I was believing. When he greeted me in real life he would hug me a bit longer, or smell me and make a comment on my perfume or bodyspray. He would kiss my cheeks a bit harder than usual. When walking past me he would give me this ‘look’ or ‘stare’ which was uncomfortable.

The looks turned into brushes up against me and he started to make more physical contact. I never knew how to react as I didn’t want to upset him and I didn’t want to make a deal out of it if it was nothing (I thought I was just being silly and taking friendliness the wrong way). It just continued the whole summer and I felt more and more trapped. I wanted to be back home but he found excuses for me to stay and made me feel like if I went back I would be unhappy again so it was best to stay longer. So I stayed, welcomed by all of my family.

From then until now I live with what has happened to me. I didn’t really know what I could call it, it wasn’t anything as extreme as rape, there was nothing like that…I eventually found out a couple of years ago just from reading stories in magazines and online that it was grooming. I was being groomed by him for what I do not know but I am glad it has ended.

I cut back talking to him, whenever I visited or he visited my family I would make sure we were never alone and if that wasn’t possible then that we were only alone for as short as possible and I would show no interest.

He doesn’t ever contact me and if he makes a comment on a picture of me or on my Facebook updates I just ignore it.

I want to cut him out completely but I do not want my family to find out about this because I am pretty sure it will be turned on me somehow and I will be the one to destroy the family even more. I don’t even want any attention brought to me I just want to get on with my life.

After a year of being with my boyfriend I knew how special he was and I had to tell him because I worried that if we had a future together it would have to eventually come out and the sooner the better. I felt so sick letting it out, I didn’t even tell him straight, I kind of went around it and bit by bit information came out over the months.

My relationship with my family did improve a little after not talking to my uncle as I wasn’t being fed this false information about how they viewed me or things they had said about me behind my back. However we still are not close, I would never tell them about this, I still cannot wait to move out and away from them and be my own person.

It’s horrible suffering alone for so long and I would strongly suggest that if anyone who reads this who is suffering about a similar issue or anything alone, that you should confide in someone you love and trust. I felt like I would be a burden but it helps to share the pain and it is such a great comfort knowing I can go to my boyfriend whenever it gets me down or I want to talk about it to release it from my head.

I want to make a difference to this world and something I really want to be a part of (as well as teaching) is to raise money for charities and projects which tackle depression, abuse and are child related. For a child to suffer alone is the saddest thing that could happen, I know there are many who are experiencing much worse lives than myself which is why I want to help – because I am able to.

Communication is the Key!

‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for nearly four years now. We went to school together but we barely spoke until the last year just as we were preparing for GCSEs. During the last term of school we decided to see each other and here we are now!

So much has changed in our relationship over the years but in the past two so much has changed and we have both been challenged. We both sat our GCSE exams together, we went through the move to college together, we sat our AS levels, then our A level together. We both had part time jobs, he played football…just a few things which might have made others let go of their relationships but not us!

It was a struggle but not as big as a struggle it has been since he was accepted on a sponsored degree programme working for a well known accountancy firm. The course is not local and he has had to move away to university about four hours drive away from our hometown. He studies for about two months and then comes back home to work for a couple of months alternately so although we have now become a long distance couple, we get the privilege of seeing each other much more often every two months rather than being separated for a whole year.

When he first moved away I went with him in his car the whole drive there I remember fighting back the tears, trying to be optimistic listening to the loud music in his car. I survived the car journey which seemed to take FOREVER and only highlighted to me the physical distance that would become a part of ‘us’. We spoke very little, I think because we both were feeling nervous, perhaps for different reasons.

I helped him unpack, settle in and saw who he would be living with. When he said hello to the people on his course I automatically just felt sick and felt like my heart had been physically broken. I couldn’t talk much or make much eye contact with him because it hurt to see his future ‘without me’ before me!

We went for lunch with his parents where, when we left I completely broke down making it harder for everyone else I am sure but also bringing everyone else’s emotions to light! I am good at being emotional. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life to this date. I didn’t really know what to say, how to act, where to look, what to do…I could only cry and pretty much had to be pushed into the car and driven away by his parents!

It still makes me tearful to remember that day. The emotions are still there from that day!

So we embarked on this new journey and it was and is still hard. We obviously didn’t get to see each other like we did at home (nearly daily), he was building a new life away with people I had never met and didn’t know, living independently which is something I desperately wanted to do myself, experiencing a life where I was no longer a prominent ‘feature’. My emotions were all over the place and I felt so many things in one time. I was happy for him, proud, nervous, sad, worried, relieved that the move had gone well and the hardest part was over.

Things have become easier for us in some ways. We see each other every two weeks or there abouts. We can look forward to spending the weekends together when I go and visit, they are precious but seeing each other after mini breaks apart can be awkward sometimes as there are just so many emotions flying about. I also want to tell him every little detail from the past couple of weeks however we need to fit so much in in such a short space of time!

We have phone calls, text, Skype (when the connection is good), use Facebook and see pictures of each other and what we are up to. Somehow though it never is enough and it’s never the same as being with each other and just having that company next to you or in your arms.

I have met his friends and that made me relax more, I try to make an effort to get on with them and to make it fun when we go out together, although sometimes I really dislike them and hold the silly opinion sometimes that they have STOLEN him from me!!

It is harder too though, although saying bye and looking forward to the next time we see each other is more manageable, as he progresses in his course his work load gets heavier (he would probably argue it’s the heaviest work load EVER), and this means keeping in touch is harder.

I have become so used to constant communication it’s been the hardest thing for me. We communicate but to me it isn’t enough, I guess I am still finding it hard to adjust. I feel we are missing out on so much of each other lives daily that we are lacking an actual relationship. He tries so hard to communicate, it really can’t be easy for guys!

When he is home working he is tired out from commuting or he stays away in hotels if his clients are further out. So when he is ‘home’ I sometimes still see him only at the weekends or late evenings.

You might read this and think why go through the emotional journey? But I know that how he makes me feel is such an important and special feeling that I just could not bear to lose. I admit we have doubted our relationship many times for various reasons, mostly due to miscommunication or lack of understanding each other. However we have pulled through so many times and I believe this is because we can get through the struggles and changes happening around us.

We both are changing individually but in my eyes he is only changing for the better. He is an inspiration to me, how he handles life and all that it throws his way so well. His morals are so well presented through what he says and does, his attitude to life is so positive and something I aspire to pick up myself. He is friendly, funny, caring, he genuinely wants to make a difference and tries his best to make everyone around him happy whilst trying not to sacrifice his own happiness.

My boyfriend has moved me in a way no other has and ever will. He introduced me to his world and I am noticing a slow but positive change in me which I never thought would happen.

I want to be a better person because of him and he is helping me do this, I don’t know if he even knows!

Long distance relationships are worth the time and effort, mine has been and I really hope we can continue what we have. Although it isn’t perfect it’s us and we can only work together to make sure we both can be happy.

I would say the most important things are for us to communicate, be open, be a good listening, never give up on what we care about, compromise and enjoy the time we spend together.

This post came about because last weekend my boyfriend went back to university and I have struggled so much unexpectedly. I have not been kind, I have not been happy, I have been argumentative and envious, recorded his wrongs. I really have been the total opposite of a good supportive girlfriend and I really do not deserve such an amazing person in my life. The quote from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 is not just for those who are Christian, it applies to any relationship and I have not been doing this. Our struggle this week has come from my poor handling of emotions and it has made me realise what is important to me.

I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, I choose us and love over arguing and struggles. I hope he does too!

‘Young Driver’ = Just as much danger as a middle age or old driver.

After reading the very inspiring blog: Young Drivers; Dangerous?  I felt I wanted to reply to it and add to it with my own opinion!

It is nice to see that people share similar thoughts to me and that I am not the only one who things young drivers are being targeted as the dangerous ones.

 

They are the one’s who suffer the more expensive insurance (this is worth another blog completely…that will follow soon!), who get the police following them randomly, who in accidents pretty much get the blame without it even being said, get judged…oh well here goes!

I believe that it isn’t the age of the driver that makes them dangerous. If a 17/18 year old can have sex (bring up a child), can work full time and be in a position of responsibility e.g. working in a school, training to be a doctor etc…why would they be ‘too young’ to drive? There isn’t a clock in the brain and body which determines when the time is right! Everyone is different and it’s actually only a minority of young drivers who give the rest a bad reputation.

Older drivers can be just as dangerous, whatever their age. In fact from a passenger in many cars with older people they make me feel less safe as they are ‘comfortable’ and believe that they are ‘good drivers’ and ‘know the roads’. It’s when people get too comfortable on the road that makes them a hazard.

I wonder if driving tests should be re-sat or theory tests re-sat once in a while to check you are still suitable to be on the road and that you do have the correct knowledge to keep yourself and others safe? Perhaps once every 5 years or 10 years? In that time so many people get points or even loose their licences or are part of accidents on the road. Maybe re-sitting tests would keep everyone more wary of their behaviour on the roads?

If not that, then what about if driving tests were changed or followed up with another test? I know from my experience that driving tests can make you so nervous as you may be driving alone for the first time, however I knew the examiner had his own pedals and could potentially intervene if he wanted to. When I passed (first time yay!), I waited a few months to get my own car. I didn’t drive any other car so getting into my cute Fiesta was such a big deal to me and driving on my own felt terrifying.

I was a nervous driver and I did drive to all of the speed limits, I did take my time if I was unsure of oncoming traffic, I put my handbrake on when I stopped for longer periods of time, I indicated always even on the silent night trips, I never honked my horn unless I believed I was in danger and needed to make others aware of my presence.

Luckily, I still do all of the above but I am a little more relaxed and I do remember a lot of the things my wonderful driving instructor taught me.

Who is to say that once I got my car I completely forgot all of the road theory or how to actually drive. Basic things like checking mirrors, signalling, road positioning, checking the speed… A follow up test say like a couple of years after your first could help to check people are still safe? Even things like eyesight changes can have an effect on your driving.

It is such a hard problem to address, not everyone will be pleased – ever.

You just have to make sure that if you are a driver, you drive to the best of your ability. It isn’t a sport, it’s not cool when you speed, being on your phone is such a stupid thing to do when you drive and your life is not worth reading that text message or Facebook status.

If you are a passenger, I think you should not be afraid to speak up and let your driver know they are speeding or that you are uncomfortable that they are on their phone. If they don’t respect that they get out of the car!!

 

The sun shining just reminds me of all the wonderful things in my life.

It makes me feel positive about myself and who I am!

I love it.

Just sitting in my garden I can hear the birds, bees, can see the spiders (ew) making their webs catching flies, the grass is so been and freshly cut, the daffodils are blooming… Eeee!

A day like today is a nice gentle reminder that there is a world to be lived in and explored. I really cannot wait to visit some new places and make the most of the outdoors this summer!!

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Today is my chance to shine…again!

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This morning I have my university interview!

I’m so nervous but excited as this is my chance to show people there is more to me than what is on paper and hopefully they will want me!

Feeling underprepared so lots of rushing around this morning but that is nothing new!

Wish me luck!!!

Over there is my comfort zone, over here is me

This week is a busy one for me, lots of things need to be done and I’m at a crossroads where only my performance will choose which road I take.

This afternoon I sat my qts key skills tests in Numeracy and English. English should (as hoped) was a doddle, I passed! Numeracy however has never been my strength so I didn’t think I would pass…just booking a re-sit. Five marks off. Annoying.

I have 3 attempts at each one to pass, if I don’t I won’t be able to start my teacher training degree for another two years.

That is if I do well in my interview on Wednesday morning and get offered a place at the University of Brighton.

I usually deal well with things like this but it’s my passion for teaching which is on the line and the fear of having to wait another two years is horrible!

Still staying positive I believe I did better than I thought I would so second time round , second the best?

Talking of comfort zones, I also went I Netball training. Just so you know:

1) I am not sporty at all, I’m the least likely to participate in sports or be interested in them.

2) I went on my own!

3) I loved it!

It feels so good to try new things which aren’t within your comfort zone. I will be. Doing this more often!!

Spring is here, sandals are out!

Last night I slept with my window open night and was woken at 5am by some beautifully (annoying) chirping birds

The sky was that bright yet dark shade of blue and my eyes were not ready to wake up. I fell back asleep listening to the chirps and later woke to a blue sky and fresh sunshine!

I braved it for the first time this year and wore sandals, leggings and my new dress; a Laura Ashley floral summer cotton dress purchased from a charity shop for £3.99 which I have been so eager to wear for the past few days!!

I’ve sat in the garden with my boyfriends niece and nephew and chilled in the sun and thought about how summer is going to be!

This year I will make the most of the longer days, cram in lots of fun and enjoy wearing the whole of my summer wardrobe.

It’s amazing what sunshine can do, my head feels clearer, I feel healthier, I feel more optimistic and I feel a bit more in control with my emotions.

🙂

Time out

I haven’t logged into WordPress for a while now as I felt I didn’t have much positive stuff to write about.

I’ve been feeling quite low again but this evening my boyfriend picked me up (he never fails to comfort me) and he stopped me from visiting a very dark place again. I could not be more grateful to have him in my life right now.

My life is full of job applications and interviews. I’ve just finished working over Easter for a school holiday camp which was really fun and I loved being around the children – even the scary 14 year olds!

I’ve got the busiest week ahead of me with more interviews, university interview and skills tests to pass so I am able to obtain qualified teacher status with my degree. My boyfriend is moving back to uni too. So much change and stress it is so overwhelming I can’t help but cry at awkward times and feel like all the effort is getting me nowhere!

I just need to remember that there is a way out and life can be enjoyable right now and positive change is going to come. There is a future and it will be good.

I hope anyone reading this is happy as I hate to imagine sad people 😦

xxx